What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 08:09
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I think the readers, may guess!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I write beautiful poetry .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Would this be the day?
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
All the time i was locked up.
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We were not on the streets..
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I was 9 years of age.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
How do you cope when your mother doesn't love you?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why do people love to live alone in a house?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She wouldn,t have been !
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But, we were locked up after school.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But it wasn’t much.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My family never makes their pension either.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
This is soul school!.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was seconnd youngest,
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Was to survive, this bastard.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So, i spoilt her more .
She found it foreign!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He resisted the act ,that day.
We all went to grammer schools
She married twice! .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She was in good health!
I will be 64.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And i lived it daily.
He knew the spot.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im still living with it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Who then, do I blame.?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I have no regrets .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was very sick at this time too.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
What did i know ?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One cannot live in the past .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
When she asked me how she looked .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It was going to be , some day.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My life is so biszare .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She loved him until the end.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I waited trembling.
So whats the point in blame.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Comes on , in middle age.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I could never make a relationship work though!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I don,t even have a pension.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I said to her
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Ive learnt so much.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Put me off passion for life!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was scared of men, in general